The collection plate has been replaced with a QR code linking directly to each congregant’s personal vesting schedule, part of a new “Tithe-to-Equity” program the pastor described from the pulpit as “faith with dilution protection.” A forty-dollar offering, the program’s onboarding slide clarifies, is now classified as a “seed-stage spiritual instrument,” with valuation pending Sunday’s attendance.

The church board has begun referring to its parking lot expansion as “Series B” and is asking the congregation to “believe harder, pro rata.” A sermon originally titled “What Doth It Profit a Man to Gain the Whole World” was quietly rescheduled to next quarter.